On Monday the 4th of April, I start a new career, a totally fresh slate. It’s more than a clean slate for my career though, it’s a fresh new beginning for Operation Beastmode.
I badly let myself down when I put most of my weight back on, I won’t go into specific reasons why I let it happen, suffice to say it was avoidable; I have had a tough few years and it got on top of me.
Now feels like a good time, things are once again looking up and I know that with a double dose of positivity I can once again find some traction and really focus hard again.
I’m starting to feel the negative side of being big again, bad knees, ankles, back, poor sleeping pattern and generally lethargic. I miss the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing the benefits of hard work, hell I miss being able to walk into a “normal” high street shop and buy clothes off the rack!
The benefits of losing weight by far outweigh the blood sweat and tears I’ll endure from the 4th, worth every single wheezy breath, crippling DOMS and early morning.
So here we go again, I’ll weigh myself tomorrow, start back at square one and get back in the game!
In January I talked about success and failure. In one line I said:
“I consider myself right now, well and truly on my arse. I have punched myself in the face most of 2014, and now here I am in 2015; firmly back on my feet again.”
As it happens, I was nowhere near my arse and I certainly wasn’t on my feet!
Around this time, I was deciding if running my business was still viable, turns out it wasn’t. So in late February after many sleepless nights, I made my decision public. I then spent from February to last week actually winding down the business. In this time there were lots of up and downs, far more downs and very few ups actually. During this time I defaulted back to my old coping mechanisms, eating, drinking and being lazy. I had no idea how emotionally difficult letting go of the business would be.
This of course worsened the spiral, the idea was to “eat, drink and be merry!”, that brief respite however only served to make me feel worse in the long run.
The more I think about how far back I have slid, the more it motivates me again. To be so close to my goal and to let it all slip away is devastating. Instead of letting that negativity get on top of me, I have to use it to motivate me, drive me forward to a situation where I can stop bitching and start making the changes I need.
I now find myself in a somewhat stable situation, I’m working again and starting to take stock. Last night I planned my new workout routine and this morning, at 0555hs I got up out of bed and smashed a few miles on the bike. It felt good to be up again at that time of day, my legs will feel it later but I know it does me good!
So, here we go again! I can’t say that more bad sit won’t happen to me, what I can say though, is that I hope to deal with it in a far more constructive way.
A few months back I was interviewed by Jiu Jitsu Magazine about my weight loss; they have only gone an given me a full page spread!
At last, I’m back! I have spent the past month renovating and moving into our new home; during this time I had planned to focus on the house and the move leaving no time for exercise, I was however going to eat healthily. This didn’t go as planned, to be honest I ate on the move, not to bad but bad enough to make me feel guilty and absolutely put on weight again!
However what matters now is that I’m finally back on the band wagon and ready to smash my weight down to the fabled 100kg! I have been thinking about how I’m going to achieve this, the past year has been very focused on nutrition, regular exercise and lots and lots of persistence. Measuring progress has always been a fortnightly weigh in after my BJJ session at Focus Gold Team, Spike takes my weight on his expensive looking medical scales and I record it for my log.
To begin with measuring progress this way was great, it kept me motivated and focused, however as the weight dropped it became more of a by-product of the hard work. As time went on they also became a little bit of a stress for me, I put a fair bit of pressure on myself to make sure I was dropping, this in turn made me worry and at times, there was one occasion that I over trained to the point whereby my body simply broke, my blood pressure dropped to dangerous levels and I became ill, the other side effect was it made me stress eat. Not a huge amount, and I know it seems ironic/moronic, getting stressed about not losing enough weight and eating to release the stress, it’s daft I know but it happened. At the time work was stressful, home life with organising the new house was stressful and having a cheat was a release, an unhealthy release but a release none the less.
Now that I’m restarting I want to mix things up a bit, I can’t be stressed about weigh ins anymore, it’s daft, so instead I’m not going to do it. Well that’s not strictly true, let me explain.
The main reasons I don’t want to know my weight and progress are 2 fold.
When I get to 100kg, I don’t feel it’s healthy to weigh yourself every other day/week, it can become obsessive. I’m sure “healthy fit” people don’t feel the need to weigh themselves constantly so I don’t want to . I want to break the cycle of relying on these numbers being low to get a self esteem boost, the warm fuzzy feeling I’ll get from exercise and good nutrition will be more than enough to validate how good I feel. How can anyone live a normal healthy life, let it fully integrate into their existence when all we do is remind ourselves of our weight?
Secondly, it’s the removal of stress. I don’t want to know my progress, because it’s puts undue stress and pressure on me. I have enough to deal with these days, so why not just enjoy what I’m doing? Take please in the exercise, take please in eating a more balanced and healthy diet and get the job done! I just want to have fun again! I want to wake up and train because I love it again, not because I want to make some numbers on a scale drop!
This being said, I still need to make sure I’m on track, so with this in mind, as long as Spike is still happy to weigh me, I’m happy to let him do so, but when he does, I don’t want to know. The next time he weighs me, I will have undoubtedly pout on weight, I know this, knowing the extent will only stress me out though. So when I step on those scales, I’m not gonna look, I’ll ask Spike to keep a record on the phone app I use, but I won’t peek. I’m a stats geek so it’ll be nice to look back one day and see the numbers.
With all that said, I’m so ready to get back to it, I feel sluggish, bloated and my suit for work is starting to get a bit tight, so I’m more than happy now I’m settled, I can now officially turn beast mode back ON!
Well strictly speaking on Tuesday the 4th it’ll be the first anniversary of my actual first weigh in, but lets not get bogged down in minor details! The point is I have been at this weight loss malarkey for over a year now. It has been without a doubt one of the hardest years I have ever had! Both the physical and mental aspect of major weight loss can weigh heavy at times, but if you push through it and endure it’s absolutely worth it! I think it’s fair to say there there has been a little blood, lots of sweat and possibly a tear shed at one point during this journey! My goal of 100kg is in sight, once I get there I would have lost over 70kg (11 stone!). Once I’m there a new journey begins, one where a sensible diet and a regimen of consistent training will not only keep me at a more healthy weight, but will keep me a much happier and healthier person.
The benefits of my weight loss go far beyond the aesthetics, yes I look smaller that much is a given, but the health benefits are huge! I sleep better, my skin is clearer, I have bags of energy and stamina and of course I can now buy clothes from the High Street as opposed to specialised online shops!
I have so many people to thank, they all know who they are! Once I lose the 70kg total then you’ll all get a shout out! 😉
There are so many lessons learned, don’t really have time to rattle on a great deal just now, I’ll save that for a later post!
Here is to the final push and all the people that have helped and supported me so far, I’ll keep working hard to make you proud and I’ll work even harder to prove the doubters wrong!
Well it’s been a while since my last update! I took a break over the festive period, it was nice to relax and enjoy my food and drink again! As a result I put on 7kg! Truth be told I’m not to fussed, I had fun doing it and if Christmas and New Year only cost me 7kg each Year I can live with that!